An Experiment

 It is the following day. I havent been feeling all too well. I didnt sleep last night at all and had to go through a lot today. It seems like sleep deprivation did help with my depression. However, once I got enough sleep and woke up (from 3 - 8pm), it all came back to me. I don't feel like contacting my friends. Saying that, I am deciding to run a brief experiment; I am not trying to play with anyone, I just want someone to reach out to me. You could potentially say I seek attention and "portray" myself as some sort of scapegoat. But I will see how long it will take until someone's gonna reach out to me and say, "Hello, how are you?"

I have low expectations from this experiment. Once you are gone, you are gone. And its so rare for someone to actually show care, passion and love. People are ignorant enough not to take responsibility to say "I love you". 

Our "progressive" thinking led us towards chaotic and spontaneous collisions of bodies, souls and no one wants to remember that, preserve that and care for that. 

There are no hopeless romantics out there. I am lonely, and every time I d like to reach out, I am turned down. 

It is very late, I am not sure if I am able to go to sleep this night as well. That is not good. At some point if my condition gets worse and worse, I 'd have to reach out for some serious medical help.Sometimes, shifts in mood can be extremely sudden and drastic.... it's scary, and I am so sorry for the people who are scared of me. 

I ll definitely come back later tonight...  

A.A.

Some Changes

Last two days, I was busy travelling. I was still feeling the symptoms from my cold, and the depression started to wear off gradually, my mind shifted into a hypomanic state. I had an urge to walk a lot at the airport and was almost late for my flight because I realized how far I d walked away from my gate and the attendants started calling my name and ringing my phone to look for me. Thankfully, I was about 5 mins away at that point, so I made it successfully to the plane. Once I arrived at University, excitement and sudden change of scenery struck me, and I got concerned not to get into a full blown mania. I couldn't stop walking for these past couple days, exploring a new town and stuff around to see. 
Yesterday I realized how awfully blistered my feet came out from all the travelling. Its hard to walk. It's hard to sleep too. I slept for around 5-6 hours since I checked into my apartment. 
Roommates are pretty quiet people. I thought of hanging out with them and invited to go out, but they weren't down. 
as days pass by, I notice that they are not very "fond" of me. 
And to be honest today I am a bit calmer, I slept through most of the day and think my depression is coming back. So, I will be writing more things in my journal. 
I ve got a bipolar disorder(hypomanic and depressive episodes fluctuating). I am always waiting for intermissions, but the way I get them its very hard. I want to have my friends and the ones I deeply care around me. They help me a lot. But since I don't really have a stable place of residence, my "friends" are all becoming a temporary part of my life. 
As I think about it, wow, whole life is just temporary as well. Sometimes we forget that. That death is around the corner, and you don't really know when its gonna come up to you. 
Going back to my roommates, and I will be cynical, they dont hav to like it or accept it. The way people treated me before, I dont really care as much anymore what others think. I am here to love the ones that love me, but not the ones that would turn me down. Dumb students. Privileged "athletes" that dont even deserve to be around academia. What the hell are they doing here, study? Study what? what for?
Scholls just dont care at this point. They want their teams to succeed, that's where they get their money probably from, and their "name". 
I am not even noticing mediocre people. I dont know what they are doing either. They dont really draw any attention. 
I went to  bingo night today. Didn't play bingo, the prizes were not worth it, Ice cream was free, which was nice; but all I was doing,  watching people. Seeing if I could notice someone who d be interesting to me, males, females. I ve gotta say for some reason, there are like 90% athletes in the school. And I am concerned. I am starting to feel lonelier and lonelier every day, and hope this journal will be helping me somewhat to go through this stage. 
I might quit it for a while if I find "my people" over here, but so far, no succes whatsoever. I am not christian, I am not a typical "white", I have no interest in active sports either. My sports preferences are billiards, traditional card games and a little chess. I am not that good at chess, though. I tried getting into chess, got textbooks and was starting to study this whole realm of chess, but then it was too much for a little amount of rewards. And playing chess online puts me down because I can't really talk to the opponent, and enjoy the scenery. 
I d prefer to play chess in person while having a meaningful conversation about the world, society, humanity, and etcetera.

Anyway... maybe I ll add a subsection to this "blog" talking about symbolical interpretation and share some of my thought processes. 

I really miss Kianna and Joe; turned out they never "left" me out. Even though they ve got their lives going; Kianna got back with her boyfriend, and Joe is getting his job and living situation pretty much straight, oh gosh, they still respond back to me with deepest care I feel like. It would be so sad if they actually will forget about me gradually. I am scared that even though they are my closest friends from my previous place of stay, they didn't get the fact and don't understand that I am desperate, I am lonely and have been having multiple suicidal thoughts. My life is unstable, and that they are what I was relying upon. They must be proud of helping me out. They should be proud. I remember them, and I always get back and give back to people that help me. 
I should be able to go through it. Anyone who reads this and has some sort of reaction to what I am saying, you are welcome to share it with me. I ll be happy to hear even the most negative things and discuss. 

I ll be back as soon as I d be able to... 

A.A. 

Perfectly Spent Time

 Some say it's better to say Thank You to people that never realized you, understood you... You never should get mad at boundless ignorance of others, don't do that dear. 

Think about the perfectly spent time. 

What do I need to be happy? How should I achieve this goal and live comfortably? 

That paradise looks something like that, 

Being surrounded by people of different backgrounds, but could reflect on each other's words. The ones who would discuss the "higher order" of life through their subjective perspective, their arts and "work". It would be so nice if we could gather up periodically and have musicians within our little "community", minor scene that we would form. Discuss literature, music and modern society and how life takes its course as we live. 

Ideally, a poet, scientist,  philosopher, musician,  painter... perhaps some people that want to be engaged somehow, we will find something to do. But as long as we have each other and one thing that would bring us together, we are saved from mutual despair and disquiet. 

All the attempts were failures, and I could only portray such order of things in my writings and my imagination. 

What does it mean to be romantic? 

It comes from the French roman, or novel. Basically, individuals that are living the life based on novels. I would guess and suppose that modern day romantics would be inspired by movies and all other modern day medias, for example, social media. Where everything seems to be perfect from a viewer's perspective. 

But I was never fond of modern day fashion, modern day culture. I was always looking for the answer why am I like that? Why do I hate everything that is created by people nowadays? I don't see value in that. I dont see any charm. Any form of art and artist looks lacking one's charm. 

Specifically, pop industries and industries that would create products for younger generations. Dumber and dumber people get; they get more and more isolated and feel fine with that. They got their cheap entertainment. 

Why I call it cheap? Because there's no sense of taste. Sense of higher values and urge for the unknown. Everything seems to be way too clear. Creators simply do not hide their emptiness and naiveness. 

As new generations emerge, they are unaware of things that happened before them. Adults are naïve as well. They are dumb (saying that as a 23 y.o.) and ignorant. Some would purposely hide all the precious concepts and ideas, ways of living. 

Think about it...what are the values of an average college student? Do they have an interest in what they actually do, or is it just a vacation place where nothing really challenges students? They care way too much about their wellbeing and comfort. I am sorry... I hate that. I hate these people who would lay their asses down and think they are on top of the world... while they are watching dumb movies, listening to dumb songs and act ridiculous thinking it's "cool". 

I may have some boomer mentality, but boomers are no better... they are spoiled too. Everybody in modern society didn't make it past kindergarten level. Yes, some may know very complex physical laws, medicine, etc. but their thinking in terms of how to live a life, their values, drives their behavior and attitude towards others. And what do I see? Ignorance upon ignorance. Laziness, laziness and laziness... 

I am disappointed with life, with different societies and communities. 

There's no place in this world that differs radically. Globalisation did its thing. 

I want to see more people educated within the fields of theology, philosophy, literature, music... and not those sellers, re-sellers, managers and people that don't even know what they are doing and what's their purpose... oh here it is: more passionate people. Folks who live life like it's their last moment. Guess the occupation doesn't really matter as long as they are very passionate about it and themselves. I am just basing fields of interests based on what makes me passionate. And historically we see that underrepresented occupations would have the most passionate people working within. This is Underground.    

And would you think I d care if you don't appreciate my words? I am done with it. Because no one even reads those, haha... 

A.A.     

...to continue

 I d feel so much better if people gave me their intentions first. If people that I met would be honest with me. And when I am feeling down, they say they care... but their actions wouldn't prove it at all. I can be understanding if I know that people are busy... but they are not. I know that. And instead of bringing joy to each other, they would focus on cheap entertainment. I need to find someone who has an interest in similar literature and hobbies as me. That way I d know we share the same values. Those people would never let me cut myself up, make sure I am not getting delusional. I am not an infant, but slowly I've been losing myself, and nothing would cheer me up than dark stories of Leonid Andreyev (the father of expressionism in Russian literature), or Hanns Heinz Ewers (German horror writer).

Leonid Andreyev

Hanns Heinz Ewers 

 All this may sound like a diary of an irrational individual. Individual that was not prepared for this life. Later on I d have to share my life story here as well, just so the reader would have better grasp of what I ve been going through. 

"Cheap" entertainments, "cheap" food, "cheap" love and "cheap" attitudes... there is nothing to pursue in this modern world where everything and everyone got turned on "cheap" stuff. 

No sense of class, no sense of self-respect and self-nurturing to be a better human being. 

The only thing to pursue and what is real (and it may sound very "eastern"/"Buddhist" in a sense) - nothingness. 

Sometimes you lay in bed and think how beautiful a death could be if it came naturally. Just so it would be the right timing. It would be so sad if death arrives right at the moment when everything stabilizes itself and my ultimate goal of happiness would be achieved. 

As for now, I'll try to be healthy and go with the flow of this merely bearable flow of life. 

A.A. 

Entering the Void

 Last half a year, I've been going through a lot of struggles and heartbreaks. I am learning to accept that void that doomed me. 
I can't be happy for people anymore, my friends... or rather say "friends" 

My family doesn't live with me, they are far far away at this point. And throughout times their support and conversations that we had are not cheering me up in life. I was pursuing happiness through friends. But there is nothing stable enough existing in this world that would make me satisfied. 

Two days ago I got very sick. High fever, delirious state, nauseous... It showed me something, all the changes that are coming. 

That was a quick bye from her; an abrupt farewell. And once again I am doomed. To be honest, I never got a sense of interest. There was only one person in my life who was genuinely interested in me, but I lost her as well...

Was I used by everyone around? Why were they up to hang out with me if no one had an interest in me and my thoughts... They drained my energy, I ended up sick, and what's next? Another suicidal attempt? Hell no. 

A thought glimpsed: that one who cared for me, why wouldn't he/she check on me? 

I had multiple chances to prove myself, but I always ended up being called a cynical bastard who doesn't want to change... 

Always thought to myself that all I want to do is to spread love and compassion, have a good time and make this life more bearable through multiple friend connections... it turned out to be harmful to me. 

Once again I am losing everything and am left alone once again. I feel the emptiness inside. I feel an abyss that eats my inner self. The nature of these phenomenas that occur to me is cyclical and periodical. That happened before, and I know for sure it will happen once again. And every time it happens, strikes me harder and harder. 

I don't want to be evil, but what else is there to be and to think about? When love doesn't really exist, only deals and deals. I tried to bring it up, my always moving nature... very devilish, I am not stable enough. Everything goes well for the peers, and over here I think that I am becoming less and less mentally stable. That I want to stop saying "thank you" to people. Because all they brought was a state of despair within me and lead me to lose some of my ambitions.

I don't want to live and laugh, study and progress... all I want is to be emerged into the stinkiest nightmare ever existed. 

However, I can't say that. Just no, no, no! 

I am not gonna lose hope in humanity. Maybe it's better to just cry it out. 

Sentimental piece of shit! No one liked me because how emotionally hyped I d get. Well, thank you! 

If you are a stranger and read this, please take care of yourself... don't do it, don't put the ones you love first... they will shit on you later. It sounds so evil. I am sorry... but one shouldn't go through such a struggle. Unless you are a hopeless dark romantic.

A.A. 

Interesting Headstones

Not too long ago, I found an interesting website.  

http://nec.m-necropol.ru/ - It is a Russian website dedicated to dead people who didn't necesarilly made it to the world history, however were still representatives of arts, sciences, literature, etc. 

 The way I stumbled upon this website had to do with my interest in folk music. I know the band "Till Eulenspiegel"; had an interest in a leader and creator of this band. Their sound mimics ancient Slavic and Celtic music with a "medieval fantasy" driven lyrics. Anyway, the guy who started this band was a Russian monk who quit monastery life to pursue his interest in music composition, art and poetry. Thus, I found his headstone on that website mentioned previously... 

Interestingly, there is a section on the website named extraordinary headstones... 

Found one that had a cool puzzle on it, would say it's quite mystical... 

This specific headstone says... 

"11 4 7 - is a key 
--- but open a door

33333 6 99 you must yourself. Remember that."  

I have no idea what it could mean.. there is no any additional info except for the lady's name and date of birth/death...

Panfilova 

Galina Petrovna 

17.03.1939 - 19.10.2017

The second one that stood out to me is this one; 

It does not say any info on it about the woman, however the writing says; 

"That I was called Marina 

And was forty years old" 

 

These particular lines were inspired by a Russian poetess Marina Tsvetaeva from her poem "You walk and look like me"

The original lyric said:

" That I was called Marina 

And how old I was." 

You can find the full poem here: https://allpoetry.com/-You-walk,-and-look-like-me-.

Thanks,

A.A. 

Brief Intro

   Hello and welcome,

    Maybe I will customize some parts of this page later on, but for now I want to get started here.
My name you can see somewhere on the screen/page, I don't care that much.
I needed a place where I could share some notes.
    Maybe someone would be interested in that.
    Maybe interesting topics that I be thinking about.
    Maybe some storytelling as well.
Will just say that I am interested in various symbols, mythology, literature and symbolic interpretations...
It might be a b.s. thing to do, I treat it as a hobby.
; words of an aspiring writer

    Stay Safe and Healthy !